i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
