So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
