my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
