Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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