Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
