Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize