I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
