I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
