My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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