I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i came on her dog
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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