I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
