Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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