I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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