you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
