Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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