why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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