I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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