Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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