I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
