you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
