I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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