her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
