I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
