dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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