My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize