I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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