You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize