She's JV to your varsity
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
