she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
