You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
