you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
someone owes me an orgasm
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
