How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
