I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
false alarm. still invincible.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
