So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pants are for mortals
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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