I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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