The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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