On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
