I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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