It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
