i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
