He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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