I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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