There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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