Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize