Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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