She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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