If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
