Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
