I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize