She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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