ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
