I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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