I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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