My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
