The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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