Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
