YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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