Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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