I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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