i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
