man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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