girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
